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Angaerin
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Name: Angaerin
Interests: Sorting out my life situation post-college.
Expertise: Longwindedness and empty bravado
Occupation: Writing Tutor
Industry: It comes and goes.
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/23/2002
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| Hello, Xanga. It's been a long, long time. I think I've missed you.
I am trying to read again, for pleasure. It's slow progress. My mind is too active; it can't stay stuck within the bounds of a book for long, but always has to connect those thoughts to thoughts of my real life.
Stuff at home is depressing. Life at work (school?) is good, though. Even the downs have been ultimately good things. My students are precious and lovely, and I never tire of what I teach. The parents and other staff are good people.
I thought about doing nanowrimo this year, but I can't.
Depression is more comfortable for me than cheerfulness, which isn't good. It also makes me hypocritical, because the way I interact with others generally makes me seem to be the most cheerful, easy-going person around. Thing is, I *am* cheerful and easy-going when other people are watching. It's not an act--it just doesn't last through the times when I am by myself.
That is probably because I always think of how much I miss whenever I am alone. I don't have the opportunity to do that much when I am with others.
Enough for now!
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| I move in a week!
I've been thinking a lot about my first few years of college. I hope this'll be like that, but better.
I've been thinking about my personality--about how it has several distinct sides to it. I wonder if this time, that will become plain to people right away, or if I'll still have to hide half of it half the time. I accepted this job because it reminded me of my IV experience, which gave me the freedom and ability to me be myself with everyone around me for the first time in a long time. I hope that proves to be a true assessment of my time at Regent.
I want to be inspired again.
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| I should probably note here, for anyone who follows this, cares, and is not yet aware, that I'll be moving to Tulsa for a teaching job in about two and a half weeks. It's a great job with a great package and I'm excited to start doing something I really love, but I am scared and sad about the move and transition. I have plans to take my cat, at least, so I won't be leaving my *whole* family behind... this is yet again one of those things that would be a lot easier to do if I were married. But hey, one must start somewhere, and the school in Tulsa has presented itself as a very good place to start.
There will most likely be more posts here as I find myself on my own again with either A. things of a more public interest to talk about or B. far more free time to wallow in my own thoughts. *self-deprecating chuckle* :)
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| My heart is severely pained within me,
And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me,
And horror has overwhelmed me.
So I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
Indeed, I would wander far off,
And remain in the wilderness.
I would hasten my escape
From the windy storm and tempest."
(Psalm 55:4-8)
Quite some time ago, I was introduced to this verse: "Perfect love casts out fear." I have constantly come back to it since, but its full meaning has often eluded me. Perfect love on the part of whom, I wonder? My perfect love for others who have wronged me? God's perfect love for them? God's perfect love for me? For lack of a better answer (and because I was either too lazy or too dumb to think of digging up the passage again), I used it as a catch-all answer: perfect love from *any* quadrant should cast out fear. If there's enough of it, and if it's complete and total, it should do the trick. Technicalities seemed less important than actually allowing God to generate love in my life for the practical purpose of getting rid of the fears that plague me.
I was contemplating this again last night when the answer I had sought finally came to me: truly perfect love is the mutual kind. The kind that goes both ways. It's the two-way bridge of love between us. The kind that's supposed to function between married couples. The love that I "share" (if I can use such a common term to refer to the divine) with God. It's not just His love for me or my love for Him that gets rid of the fear (I often found that I either needed to admit the former or cultivate the latter more when hitting rough spots before, so I concentrated on one at a time): it's the combination of the two. I finally did look up the passage this morning, and the context fits and was illuminated so much more for me, given this new understanding:
"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us." (1 John 4:16-19)
We abide in God, and God in us. As He is, so are we. We love Him because He first loved us. Reciprocity isn't an entirely classical motif; it crops up in Christianity, too. And what is the complete outworking of this perfect loving relationship between me and God? "If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us." (4:12)
Guess where else this "abiding" motif pops up?
As for me, I will call upon God,
And the LORD shall save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I will pray, and cry aloud,
And He shall hear my voice.
He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me,
For there were many against me.
God will hear, and afflict them,
Even He who abides from of old.
(Psalm 55:16-19)
So we abide in the One who abides from of old, and He in us. Powerful? You bet. | | |
| I lack self-discipline, and that needs to change.
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